An open letter to Anxiety and Depression.

Dear Depression and Anxiety,

I would ask how you are, but i know the answer to that already. Evil, dark, cruel and manipulative.

You wake me up in the morning with a tightening in my chest, a million negative thoughts running through my head. What if? Why? I feel like i might cry. To others my worries might seem trivial and pointless but to me they are real.

You make everything feel difficult, always there, lingering like a bad smell and a heavy weight dragging me down. Birthdays, celebrations, fun days, even my wedding. You choke that joy i’m feeling just so i can’t truly feel that happiness, it never quite gets there because you pinch it. It feels like you don’t allow me to be happy or comfortable. Forever telling me i’m fat, ugly and useless.
“You can’t do that like everyone else can, you are a waste of space.”

“Don’t ask for help, they will think you are stupid and a failure.”

“You will NEVER be able to achieve that so don’t even try!”

Well i do try, don’t i? I try to shut you up and fight you every single day. It’s exhausting.
Often i feel i’m fighting a battle i might never win but i am getting stronger. You don’t like that do you? When i achieve positive things you like to throw a big spanner in the works. You test me, yet i challenge you more these days. I won’t let you walk all over me.

When friends and family tell me that they love me, want to spend time with me or tell me they are proud of me, why must you drip your poison into my head? “THEY ARE LYING, THEY ARE ALL LYING! HOW COULD ANYONE POSSIBLY LIKE YOU?” You laugh and make me push people away or bite back at them with a nasty comment.

That big black cloud you place above my head has been letting a few sun rays in recently hasn’t it? Thats because i’m trying and fighting so hard to get better. Maybe one day a big breeze will blow it away and you will be ancient history. Honestly though depression and anxiety, i think you will always be there. Hovering in the background and not quite letting me go. I wish you would get the hint that i desperately don’t want you around and piss off but you are like a ball and chain around my ankle that i can’t quite shake off!

I’ll keep fighting you, challenging you and pushing you away. You have taken away so much of my life already, been by my side since i was a child but you won’t win.

I am much more than you, prepare for battle.

Sincerely,

Kerry

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